See Dick Bathe.

Tub

Since the dawn of bathing one’s body in an unnaturally created body of water, the washbasin has been romanticized. Apparently there is something sensual about lying in your own filth, even taking the time to highlight the experience with candles and prolong the experience with a glass of wine. I can definitely see how this could be relaxing, therapeutic even, but what I want to talk about is how a passionate love affair in a bathtub is not all it’s splashed up to be.

 

Almost as comfortable as the real thing.

Almost as comfortable as the real thing.

I have to admit there was a period of time where I believed in the quixotic appeal of a traditional claw-footed tub. Tales and I took a mini vacation a couple years ago, you know, like they do in the movies and say: We just need to get away from it all and have a romantic weekend getaway. The bed and breakfast we were staying at was called The Bacchus House and our room was the Cabernet Sauvignon room. Upon entering our bedroom in the house of the god of wine and debauchery, I was ecstatic to find out we had our very own claw-foot tub. After pouring the bathwater and the wine we stepped into the bubbles. As we ungracefully sat down we realized the error of our ways. Two grown men in a bathtub is a tight fit. With both our bodies in the tub, there wasn’t actually that much room for water and there was nowhere to set down our glasses of wine so we just held them while awkwardly trying to find shared comfort in a very unforgiving porcelain bowl.

 

“My shoulder blades hurt.”

“I can’t stretch out my legs.”

“I hate the smell of lavender.”

“That’s all they had, shut-up.”

“It’s really hard to drink at this angle.”

“I don’t have enough back-fat for this to be even remotely comfortable.”

“Ow, my chin!”

“That’s it, we’re done.”

That was the day my infatuation with bathtubs died. Don’t believe what the media tells you. Bathtubs. Are. Not. Sexy.

 

They're only acting like it's comfortable!

They’re only acting like it’s comfortable!

Our friends Naomi and Casper recently shared a rather arduous bathtub experience as well. Naomi had the brilliant idea of watching The Sopranos curled up together in their tub. Now, Naomi does have some very good ideas. Like eating all the Skittles and watching horror movies until we are scared and shit rainbows. Great idea. Romantic Sopranos bathtub time? Not her worst idea, but definitely not her best.

 

Unfortunately no pot of gold on the other end.

Unfortunately no pot of gold on the other end.

If you’re going to be naked with your lover, you should be thinking about getting dirty, not getting clean. Soapy water is not the best environment for sex anyway. Women are left with a uterus full of water and we all know that water and jizz makes glue. Not the kind of crafts you want to be making. Next time you want to be adventurous, trust me, the bathtub is a journey best left uncharted.