Usually I am a beacon of health with an immune system like a thick layer of polarized hull plating or a resilient flame that burns away any disease within a 10 mile radius.
Sadly, two things have already slipped past me this year… well maybe three. The first thing was the island fever. I was stuck on a beautiful island, bedridden with a raging temperature of 104 degrees. While everyone was out swimming with the ocean creatures, I was swimming in my own pool of sweat and tears. This story is too sad, so let’s move on.
The second thing that slipped past me actually got lodged in my throat and made its home there, refusing to leave. Singing wouldn’t release it. Not even with the assistance of Cameron Diaz and the entire cast of The Sweetest Thing.
A few of my colleagues wanted to know what was happening to me so I gave them a complete blow by blow:
My naturopath explained that my sinuses were draining into the back of my throat and congealing into a sticky glue-like substance of biblical proportion. And from the primordial glue grew a mighty forest of angry fungi. The angry fungi reached up with their pesky little phalanges to tickle my swaying tonsils. Their light touching released body-quaking hacks, but no amount of throat tremors could release the stubborn glue.
“Dick you’re a fungi!” Exclaimed Naomi.
“It’s too bad there’s not mushroom for you to breathe,” said Floyd.
Just when the angry fungi thought they were about to take over my throat, a hero rode in on a pale capsule with an army of herbs to save the day. The fungi began to wither and the glue began to loosen.
One would think that I would be used to a high level of activity in my throat, but this battle was a lot to handle. As soon as I felt the rumbling, I started to run for a tissue. I only made it a couple of steps before I sneezed.
The primordial glue released it’s hold and splatted onto the kitchen floor. Immediately Kobo ran over and tried to eat it. I managed to keep him away and clean up the mess all the while feeling like that Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park who killed Newman.
The moral of the story is that now, with my newfound power, I will be able to literally sneeze on the beat and make it sicker.