See Dick Doc


Health and wellness do funny things to people. We all have that friend or family member who takes every placebo medication under the sun and tries to force their homeopathic remedies on everyone. First of all, relax, it’s okay, you aren’t going to catch the homeo love by contact with these people. Ostracization is not the answer. We are more evolved than that. We need to lock them in a room and deny them everything that’s natural. That’s the 21st century way.


Three cheers for medical research!
Three cheers for medical research!

I used to work in the natural medicine industry and there is something enticingly primal about only taking what you need from the earth. Over time, a superiority complex develops and one begins to look down upon all the poor souls surviving on synthetics. But in the last few years, I have learned that I can still be superior to everyone even without my Coenzyme Q10. I weaned myself off the natural meds and now I only use casually to boost my immune system after an illness.

Words of wisdom from Britney.
Words of wisdom from Britney…

You are right Britney Spears, there are only two types of people in the world: those who entertain health and the ones who observe. Whether or not you are entertaining health in a more natural or a more Western sort of way, you are actively making decisions to become immortal. The observers just sit back and let themselves live or die as the world turns.


The other night Tales and myself were having dinner with my parents. I reminded him that he is well-past 25 now and should go for his first medical. He keeps putting it off and making excuses. His fear, we discovered, is that a strange doctor will hold his balls while he coughs and then diagnose him with an erection.

Sometimes it just happens.
Sometimes it just happens.


My father Jebediah also has a strong aversion to doctors and the word colonoscopy makes him very uncomfortable. He threatened to finish his dinner downstairs when I showed him how far up your ass they shove the scope.


“Jebediah, this is important,” my Mom said. “It isn’t pleasant, but it could save your life. I go for mammograms and they hurt worse than nipple clamps. Dick, talk some sense into him.”

“The fun part is when they give you a plastic syringe and you get to give yourself an enema.”

Of course you should trust your doctor.
Of course you should trust your doctor.

“Dick! That’s not helping,” my Mom scolded as my Dad’s face lost a bit of colour.

“This conversation is over,” my Dad said, getting up from the table.

“Dad,” I explained, “This is actually very serious. The doctors could catch something early and it could save your life.”

“I don’t care,” he retorted.

“Then we will have to send you on vacation. To Colonoscopy Island.”

“Oh, and where is that?”

“Butt-Fuck nowhere.”

Don't be afraid of knowledge.
This is what they teach in Butt-Fuck Nowhere.


Natural medicines and pharmaceuticals both have their advantages and disadvantages and can be exploited in propagandist marketing campaigns. One needs to sift through all the excrement in order to find the kernels of truth that have not been digested. Some things are important. Some things are superfluous. What works for you, may not be what works for someone else. Do your own research. Don’t treat your body like shit. Eat well. Sleep well. De-stress. Exercise.


2 Replies to “See Dick Doc”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s