See Dick Balance


Have you ever caught yourself leaning in to lick a public door handle as a reckless attempt to induce a sickness that would offer you a legitimate excuse to stay home for a few days, curled up in a ball hiding from the world? Well, the holidays are over and most of it was fun, some of it was compulsory and all of it accumulated to an excess of entertainment. I felt like Cedric the Entertainer driving the Little Engine That Could through a Taylor Swift video. If that makes sense to you, then you are as tired as I am.


We have to go or soon I'll start saying what I really think.
We have to go soon or I’ll start saying what I really think.


When Tales is tired and we are hanging out with a group of friends, somehow he can get away with falling asleep in the corner of a room and everyone finds him endearing.


“Look at Tales, isn’t he cute as a puppy all curled up in the corner?”


I can’t even be quiet for 10 seconds before everyone is asking,


“Dick, what’s wrong?”

“Dick, are you feeling okay?”

“Dick, do you want to talk about it?

Naturally I am the more social one in the relationship – not that Tales doesn’t enjoy the company of quality friends and family. We all have our limits for how much we can talk before we drop. Some of us are fast like Busta and Twista. Others slow it down like Bangs.

Busta and Twista: Can You Keep Up?

Bangs: Meet You on the Facebook

The other night Tales had a dream that I left him for my friends. He was house-broke and wandering the city. Through every window he passed he saw me talking and laughing with friends while he wandered the city alone. We balance each other out in so many areas that I figured this was Themis encouraging us to balance this area of our life too.


Tales, communicate. Dick, shut up.
Tales, more. Dick, less.


The very next night after the relationship apocalypse dream, I woke up to Tales staring at me with his hand around my throat.


“Ahh, what are you doing!?”

“Mmmm… uhhhh?”

“You had your hand around my throat.”

“Wha…? No, I just stretched out.”

“I felt all your fingers and your thumb.”

“ – ”




If, one of these days, I do not show up for work or whatever scheduled social event, you will find me in my bed cold and asphyxiated.

Going to bed after watching American Horror Story is frightening.
There’s a monster IN my bed.



This seems to be the week of loved ones dreaming about me. My good friend Naomi also spent time with me in her dreams the other night. I was walking around, proudly carrying a box full of circles.


“Check out my circles everyone,” I said, “Aren’t they so awesome!?”


Naomi decided to fuck with my circles because she thought it would be so hilarious. When I wasn’t looking, she put all of her triangles into the box with my circles and mixed them together. As soon as I saw the clutter Naomi knew she had crossed a line.

I take balance and order very seriously.
I take balance and order very seriously.


“Please, please, please forgive me Dick,” she pleaded, “I’m so sorry!”

It was too late. All I could think of was revenge. I set her truck on fire and sought solace for her crimes in the flames.


So friends, the moral of these stories is that we should all enjoy each other’s company, but we shouldn’t spread ourselves too thin so we cannot give our friends and our family the best of us. Oh, and don’t fucking fuck with my fucking circles.


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